


Accidentally, on Purpose

by mcgarrygirl78



Category: The West Wing
Genre: Gen, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-06-19
Updated: 2016-06-19
Packaged: 2018-07-15 23:21:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,207
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7242979
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mcgarrygirl78/pseuds/mcgarrygirl78
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>"Toby's helping me wrap him in a rug and take him to Brooklyn."</p>
            </blockquote>





	Accidentally, on Purpose

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this story on August 3, 2008. Of the 670-something West Wing stories I wrote I would have to say this one is pretty close to the top of my list of favorites. I always loved Sorkin's ability to add levity to the seriousness of the show...it never felt out of place or out of character. As a writer, I tried to obtain the same goal, to varying degrees. I kinda think I nailed it here.

“I could do it”

“You couldn’t; you wouldn’t.”

“It would be an accident. I don’t think you are seeing the logic of it.”

“There isn’t any.” Sam replied.

“You threatened to tell Donna that I sabotage her dates. I accidentally kill you…on purpose.”

“There it is,” Sam pointed to his best friend. “Tacking those two words on at the end take it somewhere my mind cannot go.”

“You act as if you’ve never heard of someone being killed accidentally on purpose, Sam.” Josh said, stuffing French fries in his mouth.

“I can't say that I have.”

“Here’s an example. You want to tell Donna so I invite you over to dinner planning to poison you to shut you up. I change my mind at the last minute; you are my best friend after all. Then over our meal, you choke on a Brussel sprout and die anyway. Bam,” Josh pumped his fist. “There you have accidentally on purpose.”

“You didn’t think to give me the Heimlich?”

“Well I still needed to get rid of you…the damn Brussel sprout did me a favor. See why I never eat those things.”

“Firstly, that’s a ridiculous explanation…clearly you’ve been watching too much Another World. Secondly, that is still murder. You didn’t do what you could to save me.”

“Po-ta-to, po-tah-to. No one is going to know anyway; I'm getting rid of the body.”

“How?”

“I'm gonna wrap you up in that ugly ass rug my Aunt Linda gave me and then call Toby. He always knows what to do.”

“Do you really think Toby is going to help you cover up my murder?” Sam asked, sipping his Diet Coke. “And Aunt Linda’s rug…that’s cruel and unusual punishment.”

“You won't even notice since you’ve gone off to a better place and all. Despite your crush on the remarkable Mr. Ziegler, it is his job to protect the President. What kind of scandal do you think will ensue when police arrest the Deputy White House Chief of Staff for accidentally on purpose killing the Deputy White House Communications Director? There would be Senate hearings, the Dow would plummet, locusts would swarm; mass hysteria.”

“Toby is not going to help you. And I don’t have a crush on him.” Sam’s voice went up an octave in protest.

“If you're so sure, let’s go and ask him.”

“I will.” Sam stood up.

“We will.” Josh bounced out of his chair.

Sam broke out into a run and Josh followed, both bellowing the Communications Director’s name through the bullpens. It was a semi-regular occurrence; few looked up from their work. Sam got to the empty office first but not by much.

“Bonnie, where’s Toby? We need to talk to him.”

“It’s an emergency.” Josh added.

“There he is.”

Toby walked back into the bullpen. He was not happy about an ambush by the Deputies like two overeager terriers. They were talking at the same time, shrieking was more like it, hands gesticulating wildly. Toby kept moving back, afraid someone would hit him in the face. The constant motion made him nauseous.

“Shut up!” he bellowed, ceasing all noise in a 50 foot radius. “Go into my office…NOW!”

They went and Toby followed, closing the door. They started up again but Toby’s stern look caused them to speak one at a time.

“Josh wants to kill me, accidentally on purpose.”

“I'm sorry, what?”

Josh explained it to him in a concise manner. Toby listened, sitting at his desk and drinking his Dr. Pepper. He needed a beer and the afternoon was barely over.

“See,” Josh finished. “You have my back right?”

“Yeah.” The Communications Director nodded.

“Toby!” Sam exclaimed.

“We’d have to cross state lines, Josh. That would be a whole new ballgame. The FBI would get involved if we were caught.”

“We’re not getting caught.”

“Damn right. Do you know how many places in Brooklyn there are to hide a body?”

“No, but it scares me just a little that you do.”

“I'm OK with that.”

“Toby I cannot believe you would do this to me.”

“Told you.” Josh replied smugly, crossing his arms.

“It’s not personal, Sam. You're already gone and I have to think about the repercussions if it got out. I would have to protect the President.”

“I'm disgusted with the both of you…I'm telling Donna.”

He rushed out of the room. Josh looked at Toby.

“I told Sam you would have my back.”

“It’s not you, it’s the President.”

“Yeah, but it’s kinda me. You know, by proxy.”

“Not at all.”

“JOSHUA!”

The Deputy Chief of Staff cringed when he heard Donna’s angry voice. She stood in Toby’s doorway, her hands on her hips. Sam stood behind her ready for his vindication and redemption.

“Donna…”

“You are not allowed to kill Sam, I don’t care what the reason. And you,” she pointed at Toby. “Are definitely not allowed to help him. Toby, you should know better than to get involved with any of Josh’s schemes.”

“I thought I did.” Toby mumbled. “Look, I'm mourning Sam, I am. We just can't let something like that get out…it would sink the President.”

“CJ could spin it.” Donna replied. “It was an accident, no matter how nefarious the intent.”

The Senior Assistant glared at her boss and Josh looked at his shoes. He hoped Sam didn’t tell her why he was dead.

“Well let’s ask CJ, shall we.” He said, his bravado returning. “We will let her have the last say on it. Spin the unfortunate accident or put Sam in with the fishes.”

“Fine.” Sam said, still hiding behind Donna.

They all walked down the hall to CJ’s office. Toby followed though in his mind he said this was all rather silly. He wanted to know though how CJ would handle something like this. He was very curious as to her answer.

“Yo! Claudia Jean!”

“Yes Joshua,” she looked up and was surprised to see four of her colleagues standing in her doorway. “And everyone else. Come on in.”

They did, Toby last and closing the door.

“Josh killed me,” Sam said. “Are you going to let him get away with it?”

“I think you're going to have to give me some back story with this one, Spanky.”

“OK, I accidentally on purpose killed Sam and I gotta get rid of the body and evidence. Toby’s helping me wrap him up in a rug and take him to Brooklyn.”

“Across state lines?” she looked at her best friend. “That involves the FBI; makes it a federal crime.”

“I thought about that but they are never going to find him.”

“True. There have to be a million places in Brooklyn to hide a body. What does accidentally on purpose mean? Did you shove him and he hit his head or are we talking about some bizarre sex ritual?”

“Whoa, huh, hold up.” Josh held up his hands. “Bizarre…”

“I need to know what I'm spinning. I should have been your first phone call anyway; how many times do we have to have that discussion.”

“He choked.”

“On food Josh was going to poison.” Donna added.

“That's inconsequential. I didn’t do it and that’s where the accident comes in.”

“What are you going to do, CJ?” Sam asked. “You could spin the accident. Don’t let them bury me in Brooklyn.”

“I'm sorry Sam but that’s hard to spin. Why were you having dinner at Josh’s house alone late at night? That is just the first of many questions. Congress only need request one hearing and its hookers, scotch, and God knows what else.” She looked at Toby. “We file a missing person’s report the next day and go from there.”

“No way!” Sam exclaimed. “You too?”

“We have to protect Leo and the President.” CJ reasoned.

“Leo.” Donna’s face lit up. “Leo will solve this. Sam, we are not going down without a fight…he gets the final say.”

“I thought CJ had it.” Josh said.

“Well I didn’t like her answer. Let’s go.”

The five of them walked down to the Chief of Staff’s office with determined looks on their faces. Margaret worked at her desk and she stopped them.

“Hold on; he was on a call.” She buzzed the office. “Leo, the Senior Staff is out here.”

“All of them?”

“Yeah…and Donna.”

“Send them in.”

Margaret waved her hand and they all tumbled into the large office like a hurricane. The White House Chief of Staff held up his hands to stem the tide.

“Speak slowly, concisely, and select one representative.”

“Go ahead Donna.” Toby pointed to the assistant.

“Leo, Josh plans to kill Sam accidentally on purpose. He is going to wrap his body in a rug and take him to Brooklyn to get rid of him. Toby is going to help but claims it’s only to protect the President from scrutiny. CJ, who could spin this as an accident, leaving out the intent of your Deputy, has chosen instead to side with them. She states Congressional hearings that will turn out to be about everything but poor Sam. 

“I'm siding with Sam; Josh should turn himself in and get a good lawyer and a media consultant. What would you do, Leo? Help drive Sam to a swamp or fix the problem. It’s too late to help him but you know…he doesn’t deserve to be on a milk carton. We love him.”

“That sums it up well.” Sam tacked on when Donna stopped speaking.

“Define accidentally on purpose. I think I know what you mean but I want to be sure before I say anything.” Leo McGarry leaned back in his chair.

“OK, I have decided to kill Sam…he knows why. I invite him over to dinner planning to poison him. When he arrives, I decide I can't poison my best friend and call off the plan. While we are eating, Sam chokes on a Brussel sprout. So there you have it.”

“Mmm hmm.” Leo nodded, leaning back further. “Alright, so Toby and CJ are backing Josh. Of course it’s to protect the President.”

“That’s what they say.” Sam muttered.

“And Donna is the only one backing Sam. She wants Josh to admit it was an accident and take his chances with the court.”

“Exactly.” Donna nodded.

“It’s the least he should do after not giving me the Heimlich.”

“You don’t get a say Sam,” Toby put his hand on his Deputy’s shoulder. “You're dead.”

“Not that you're very sorry about it or anything.”

“C'mon Leopold,” CJ sat on the edge of his desk crossing her long legs. “You're the final say; Donna said so.”

“And I stand by that.” Donna said. “Your say ends this.”

“The answer is easy…we have to kill Donna.”

“What!”

“Perfect.” Josh said.

“She is the weakest link. You have to figure Metro Police is going to question us intensely. We are the closest people to Sam and he is a public figure. We can't sweep it under the rug or be seen as obstructing justice. There is no way Donna will be able to hold up to that scrutiny. She will crumble like a deck chair.”

“I don’t believe this.”

“You said I had the final answer. I have to tell you I'm sorry Donna; you could’ve been a real asset on our side.” Leo took his bifocals from his desk and put them on his face. “Anything else?”

“No.” Sam shook his head.

“Alright, get out. The taxpayers are not paying you to plot each other’s demise.”

“Thanks Leo.”

The Bartlet Senior Staff walked out of the office and back into the busy bullpens. Even on a late Saturday afternoon, the West Wing was in constant motion.

“You guys wanna grab some food when we get out of here?” Josh asked.

Coming up with a variety of excuses, they all scattered away from him as quickly as they could. His assistant was standing beside him as always.

“Just you and me, kid.” He threw his arm around her shoulder and flashed a dimpled grin.

“You better not let Leo kill me.” she said.

“No way…cross my heart.”

“I'm a goner.” They walked together down the hall. “So, what made you decide to kill Sam this afternoon?”

“We were just goofing around; you know how we are.” They stopped at Donna’s desk. “You want to get some food later.”

“Um, not tonight. I got a thing, you know.”

“Do you have a date?”

“Maybe. I'm not telling you anything. If you think I don’t know that you like to sabotage my dates you're crazy.”

“Wow, you cut me deep Donnatella. Sabotage is such a strong word. I prefer to call it looking out for your best interest, like a guardian angel or something.”

“Something.” Donna rolled her eyes. “Be sure to tell Sam that his life is spared. I know you too well Joshua Lyman and don’t you forget it.”

Josh smiled again, going back into his office. He sat at his desk and picked up the phone.

“Yeah.” Sam’s voice came across the wires.

“Donna knows I sabotage her dates…let’s get dinner later.”

“As long as it’s not Brussel sprouts I'm there.”

***


End file.
